ONCE-A-WEEK PARENTS

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in some instances, not at all.” Yet a child needs a stable and continuing relationship with his father. Los Angeles psychiatrist Merril B. Friend says the child who does not have a strong and continuing father image is far more likely to become neurotic, homosexual or delinquent. Since child custody is a sad but constant fact of divorce the only way some of its damaging effects on a child can be alleviated is through intelligent use of a parent's right of visitation.

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Many Sunday visits are disruptive. Recently, one well-known actor was sitting in front of his ex-wife's Beverly Hills home reading to his two young daughters. Suddenly his ex-wife turned a hose full blast on them. "We'll teach you to come here," she said.

The situation was so tense that the judge ordered a third person henceforth to deliver the children to the father. This emotional strain between two people who once loved each other is not surprising. Despite published statements about an "amicable settlement” or "an agreement to disagree” the fact

is that divorce is usually bitter.

Can't be friends

"I don't think you can remain friends with somebody to whom you have been married," says publicist Mike Selsman, who was recently divorced from actress Carol Lynley.

"I just knock on the door on Sunday, Carol opens it and hands me Victoria without a word,” he said. "When I bring her back, her mother opens the door, takes her, and closes it."

"A father with only a few hours to see his child tends to lavish a whole week's worth of attention on his child," says Dr. Friend. "Too often the father, who is attentive, feels that his ex-wife has had five times at bat before he's had a chance to come up to home plate, so he tries to hit a home run with each swing, and frequently ends up overindulging and overstimulating the child. Then the mother is faced with bringing the child back to earth and resentfully feels she is always cast as the heavy. "The week in between usually does not serve as a cooling-off period, but instead as a time out to prepare more maneuvers. Too often, both parents try to wheedle and bribe the child to keep secrets about themselves while informing on the other parent. Is there any

wonder that the child often ends up

with little faith in anything?"

Judges, psychiatrists and lawyers

can straighten out some of the emotional and legal tangles involved in visitation rights, but divorced parents concerned for the welfare of their children cannot look for outside help. They must do the job themselves.

Here are some of the ways intelligent and well-meaning parents can take the sting out of Sunday parenthood.

De not encourage the child to take sides againsť a parent — "A child

needs the security of being loved by

both parents," says Dr. Lindon. "It's a wise mother who says in her actions as well as her words, This is your father. I don't want to be married to him any more but he is still your father. your

in

He loves you just as you love him.'

"And a wise father will not let the child try to woo him by saying bad things about the mother. If a child snaps back and says, 'Well, you divorced her,' the father should explain

that has nothing to do with the child or the child's relationship with the mother.

"This kind of reassurance means that the child doesn't have to hate his mother to please his father when they are together, then, when back home,

hate his father to please his mother."

Judge Pfaff has another warning: "Children want to love both their parents. The father or mother who constantly attacks the other in the hope of alienating the child's affections too

often reaps the child's antagonism." Do not use the child as a pawnJ. Louise Despert, child psychiatrist and author of "Children of Divorce,' believes that a divorced man and woman who have hurt each other may unconsciously continue to strike at each other, using their child as a pawn. Dr. Despert says, "Many a harmful decision over custody, many a fight over visiting privileges springs not from a concern for the child, but from an unconscious wish of parents to get the best of each other."

Do not overindulge your child with actual or promised giving, excuses from rules and responsibilities or elevation to adult status. "Excessive giving and going easy on the child is not love or understanding, it is bribery and infantilization," says Dr. Friend. "Consistency, common sense and a kind, firm holding to basic rules and responsibilities are most important for these children, since a vital part of their security has already been greatly shaken. The child often reasons, 'If they can leave each other, they may also leave me.'

2.99

Settle custody outside the courtroom "Listen to your lawyers on custody, visitation, maintenance and division of parental authority," suggests Judge Pfaff. "In extremely difficult cases secure professional counseling.

"If you use your children as legal brickbats, they will pay the penalty for your conduct, not your ex-spouse. Consider visitation rights a privilege, and make them meaningful to both parent and child. Children want to be loved, not manipulated."

THE END

David Sutton

CAROL LYNLEY: When husband knocks,

she hands him daughter Jill Victoria

THIS WEEK Magazine / April 5, 1964